double the fun

i'm determined to learn a second language. however, my reasons aren't for practicality, or i'd pick up on spanish. i'd really just like to be able to speak, write and think with a different set of words and ideas. i'm looking at german, sanskrit, arabic, esperanto, latin and thai. my problem is that without the means to practice it, i'll never remember it.

i've got all the resources i need to learn sanskrit, and i was actually making progress with deciphering the devanagari (those fancy looking letters that look like a straight line with a bunch of squiggles underneath). i have a thorough sanskrit-english online dictionary and a webpage that goes over grammar. alas, i don't know anyone who speaks sanskrit.

i've found two books in pdf (which are currently on my desktop) that explain esperanto, and it looks promising. it's apparently very easy to learn for english-speaking people, and it has very few rules. the trickiest part is getting used to the pronunciation of letters. (for example - the letter 'j' is pronounced like 'y'; the letter 'c' is pronounced like 'ts'; the letter combination 'sx' is pronounced like 'sh'; etc.) when school's over, i should have enough time to dive in.

i've got a german-english and a latin-english dictionary lying around here somewhere. arabic just sounds awesome, but it's going to be the most challenging from what little i know about how it works. i know even less about thai, but i love the look of the thai alphabet. it's like hawaiian mixed with alien; it just looks so cool.

if anyone wants to do esperanto over the summer, i could hook you up with the books and we could practice it.

something therapeutic

i got caught up in the past, so i wrote a song about it, and i think i did a decent job of it. criticisms welcome.

I know where I am; lost in myself

My mind labyrinth keeps all contained

 

I’m behind you

I’m behind me

I’m behind all the world

I’m behind the mask

 

I know where I am; lost to the world

My own demise from ignorance of youth

 

I’m behind you

I’m behind me

I’m behind all the world

I’m behind the mask

 

I know where I am; lost in my mind

Locked behind the mask

in between days, edited

sometimes (most times), i am a dummy. i am an apothecary. i begin to brew a potion, and for whatever reason, i check on it less and less. and so, it becomes forgotten, and i leave it.

so go on 
just walk away 
go on, go on 
your choice is made 
go on, go on 
disappear 
go on, go on 
away from here 

that's when i realize, "hey, i want that potion."

yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child 
yesterday away from you, it froze me deep inside 

well 
come back, come back 
no other way 
come back, come back 
I'm back today 
come back, come back 
we'll can't you see 
come back, come back 
come back to me 

when i realize this, it's usually too late. maybe i can be more agile; maybe i can catch it before i lose it for good.

the can of worms

it was opened again today. it started so simply - i couldn't use the car. then again, it wasn't so simple - she intentionally took the one vehicle i could drive so i wasn't able to use it. she blamed me, i blamed her, she told me she wasn't having this conversation, i interrupted her by hanging up.

my sisters asked what happened, and i let out my fury on them. they told me i didn't mean what i said, and that i was just speaking out of anger. it was true, though. if she doesn't change her ways, when i move out, it'll be the last time she sees me.

i distracted myself by listening to my angry song. i was interrupted by my one sister, who gave me the only therapy she knew, and we went into the backyard for a cigarette. i don't smoke, but i knew that it was a better alternative than brooding. so, i pushed my rage aside and went outside. i fought tears really hard, but a bare few escaped.

i sat outside, i smoked, and i went back inside. i went into my attic. it's the one room i the house that no one else goes into, and so it's my safe-haven. i needed to distract myself so that i would calm down. i hooked up my xbox and played for about an hour, when the phone rang. it was my dad, and he wanted to speak with me.

my dad is a good person to have on my team. he's intelligent and very persuasive. he understands me. he asked what had happened. (i assume my mother called him and told him what had happened.) i told him everything, and upon recalling the events, began to cry. it wasn't, isn't, fair. i told him that i didn't want to be victimized anymore. he understood my point of view, and knew that i understood my mothers, and so wasn't just complaining. i had a case, and he would talk to her about it.

i resumed playing for the next few hours without pause, when i realized that i was hungry. i went downstairs, and made myself a sandwich. my sister said that she spoke with mom, and that she would talk to her later about it.

mom thinks she deserves respect because she's my mother. she's mistaken; why should i respect her when she doesn't respect me?

this is most likely going to be an ugly, tense week. 

egg hunt

i'm anticipating the day. i'm going to be really pissed if my cousin doesn't show up, because she's going to be the only thing distracting me from the day.

i went to mcdonalds for dinner. i had to park down the block from my house to eat, because i couldn't walk into the house with a burger. not on the 1976th anniversary of His death.

i wish i could hide in one of those eggs that the kids don't find. just for sunday. then on monday, i'd pop out again and resume my daily activities.

the advantages of patience

i had made it to the point in time i needed to. arrangements were made, and the time finally came for action. i sent a confirmation message out a day prior, to ensure things were to go as scheduled. not hearing word, i became anxious that the plans had fallen through, and as the hours passed, i gave up hope. in less hours than i have fingers on my hands, i hear back from the party, saying that they got the message, but due to unanticipated events, the gathering would need to be pushed into next week.

i suppose a rain-check is better than nothing.

tick tock cuckoo

it's 11:25.

i have just eaten my two buffalo wing white slices, and i have a cheese calzone for tomorrow. of course, i didn't really eat the chicken, because it's friday and mom says i can't eat meat. right.

i watched all fifty one episodes of arrested development over the course of four and a half days. my next show will be the office.

TICK.

um, i'm drinking dr. pepper. this i was from my food. i wouldn't have had to get food if what i ordered at work would have shown up. i called in and ordered a mexican pizza with a ginger ale to be delivered to my building. i waited fifty minutes until i called asking if they had left, to which the man replied, "Eets ahn eets weh". i waited another ten minutes to get a phone call from a security guard at some other building, saying that the kid delivered the food to the wrong place, but it was on it's way over. i waited another forty minutes until it was 9:40 at night and we were closing the building for the night. i went home hungry, and got my pizza.

um...

TOCK.

i have work tomorrow. work from 10:30 - 1:30, then to cromwell for more work until 3:00. then to marissa and lauren's new apartment to help the former with jazz, then to fenix studios for rehearsal with sarah and whoever else decides to show up. sunday, i have work in the morning. monday, nothing. tuesday, i have work at rustic. i owe some make up lessons that i have to get settled then. i owe  billy, dan, gabe, joe, nisam, allie, greg, giovanni, melissa... jose.

CUCKOO! CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

it's 11:36. that's ninety-two and a half hours until i ask about a trip. i wait, i wait, i wait, i wait, i wait. i wait. i wait, wait, wait. i wait and wait. i wait some more. and then, i wait. i wait.

iwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwait

i wait. but my patience wears down. is this virtuous? nay, i say. it's advantageous is what it is.