Prologue

Prologue.

I recently re-read my old entries about "Dr Bauer of the Netherdragons" and I remembered how fun and productive it was to turn events from my day into dramatic stories. In that light, I'm going to spin a tale about my current events. With any luck, it'll be as exciting for you to read as it is for me to write. And on that note, I hope it's exciting for me to write.

वही इ विश माय कंप्यूटर हद अ फाके.

before i tell you about that, let me just say that i just a HUGE lol session.

now, i know i've been away from the blog for a while now (almost a year i think?) and things change over the course of time. well, what i didn't expect was that as i typed, my anglican letters would be magically transformed into sanskrit letters. as of right now, my title is still in sanskrit. why this was the default font, i don't know, but it's exciting as hell, and i think i might have squealed when i first realized what it had done. i've called this entry: "why i wish my computer had a face." i don't know if you'll be able to read it in english; i suppose i'll find out when i load this. anyways, apparently there's a "Type in Hindi" button next to the little eraser button. i don't know if anyone else has this, but it took me a minute or so to find it. i had a good laugh writing out all sorts of words like पूप and पेनिस and वातेर्मेलों, and even बौएर्बुत्त फुच्क्मौथ। all in sanskrit. and, i can write in five formats: Hindi, Kannada, Malayalam (palindrome ftw), Tamil and Telugu. i find this option very exciting and i hope that you find it equally as enthralling.

anyway, back to why i wish my computer had a face...

reason: so i could punch it.

the fan is making this awful grinding noise. i believe the fan to be slightly angled in one direction or another, such that when it oscillates, it grinds against its casing, generating the obnoxious sound that bores at my already formed ear canals. once the buzzing starts, it's incessant until i finally adapt. of course, i at some point realize i've adapted and, as if by cue, the bloody machine starts in again with the noise. it gets to the point where i become violent. i've already, on multiple occasions, smacked my computer with such force that i stun the poor, mechanized being; out of fear, it wants to react, and not being able to shit itself, it does the next best thing - it reboots.

what REALLY annoys me is that i've taken the fucking thing apart. i sat there for four and a half hours, taking it apart, cleaning it, reassembling, testing, again disassembling, cleaning, dissecting, reassembling, testing. i've taken it apart four times. i'm a pro at it by now. i took the fan apart. i cleaned it. i sat there with the canned air and sprayed until i thought i was developing frostbite on my hand (for those of you who've never used canned air, or know what canned air is for that matter, it's air in a can. basically, it's you blowing all the dust out of your keyboard, but minus the spittle. also, whatever is in the can that causes it to be so much savvier than normal air makes the can really cold as you spray. like, below freezing temperatures. that can gets fucking cold). nothing. it's as though the computer fan said, "hey, i'm going to be really loud and broken, and when you come to look, i'm going to be alllll betttterrrr. then when you turn your back, i'm gonna be broken again!!! bwahahaha." if it continues along this route, i'm going to chuck it at a wall.

in other news, i'm looking for a job. job hunting is tough and really sucks for people with no experience. i have an account on monster.com, and it's helping a bit i think, and hopefully something will turn up in the next few weeks.

for those of you who don't know, for interviews for the above, i've cut all my hair off. i look my age for the first time in about five or so years.

also, i still have a thing for oklahoma girl. we still talk on facebook. i'm apparently one of her ten favorite people. she told me this while drunk, so that means it's honest, no? i could go on about her, but i'll dedicate an entry to that.

otherwise, life as usual. still can't wait to get out, still with the crazy parents, still uncertain about where i'm going in life, but a bit more confident in my ability to be honest. see, instead of trying to figure out what i am, my objective is to just be as honest as i can be with myself and those around me. it doesn't matter if i know myself, because i'll never have to interact with myself. i just need to allow others the chance to know me truly, and i'll let them judge me.

ps: hi guys, it's been a while. how've you been?

documenting my thoughts

it's been over a month now. i should be writing a score analysis paper (btw, it took me fifteen seconds to remember the name of my class, which tells you my state of alertness, and thus the state my paper will be in, especially considering i know nothing about the piece i'm writing about) due tomorrow. rather, in eleven hours. i, however, felt it necessary to write down my state of mind, if for nothing more than to have it recorded somewhere that won't get lost in a pile of papers on my desk.

i've been growing my beard, and it is now long enough to ponytail - an accomplishment in my book.

i'm still speaking to sarah, my oklahomian pal, and she's still laughing at my lameass sense of humor. this makes me want to visit her more every time we speak. however, i don't even know if i'll be able to. you see, my job with the parks dept STILL hasn't called me back. so, my only income is the $64 a week i get at the music store, which is sweet pocket change for someone who doesn't shop. it will not, though, get me through one last semester of college AND a trip of over a thousand miles. therefore, i need a job. one that will give me a decent salary so i can pay ~$2500 for school with some spare cash for a plane ticket.

i only need another class to graduate, and i'm not looking to go into graduate school right away. i just want my bachelors so i can get a job somewhere doing something. if i take a semester off to save for school, i lose my dad's insurance, which means i have no coverage should i get hit by a bus randomly or contract a plague. which sucks. although, i'm losing the insurance in may anyway (i'll turn 22), but i'd still be getting some sort of insurance through the school. maybe i'll just take the one class i need and not make a whole semester out of it, and try to work as i take that one class. oy. all this trouble for an advanced theory credit.

that's all i can think up for now. my mouth wants to yawn perpetually, my brain is having immense gas problems and i still have another two hours of writing ahead of me for this damn paper. alas, sleep will have to wait.

the "p" word

it's "patience". it's something that's being tested daily, but not in the you're-trying-my-patience kind of way; more in the i-need-to-learn-to-have-more-patience kind of way.

i feel like i'm running into walls with the lessons. i find that distractions are a great way to cope with impatience, but i really do feel like i'm cheating. and as much as they yield similar results, i'd like to know i had the patience to sit something out. in my head, it's so easy. but then again, just about everything is easier in my head.

old habits yield a familiar outcome

i need to stop second guessing myself. sure, i can allow for a change in feelings. but so suddenly, without warning? i'm overthinking again. how can i stop doing this? it's what i do best.

thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink.

i've put some events into motion. if i ever get feedback on them, i'll have a better idea of where i stand, and from there i can find a sturdy place to stand, and i'll attempt once again to keep my balance.

p.s. - i hate my mother.

i find that lately, i haven't been feeling depressed. for the past month or so, i've been in higher spirits, and generally in a good mood - a vast improvement from prior days and nights. i don't feel lonely anymore.

today, she told me about a boy who likes her, who's apparently quite attractive and appears to be a nice guy, but has no sense of vocabulary (for example, he doesn't know what the word 'moral' means. i mean, let's be honest, if you're in your twenties and you still don't know what moral means, there's something wrong). i think she was asking me this to get my reaction. keeping that in mind, i went along with it and told her to get him hooked on phonics, and that she could try it but, her being a writer, the relationship wouldn't last too long before she went berserk.

ooooooooooook! lahoma!

she asked me to do something i didn't really want to do.

she then said, "please sweetie".

:)