i feel lonely, and when i'm alone, i get depressed. when i try to be with people, i can't feel anything. emotionally, i'm pretty numb. near emotional paralysis, i suppose. psychosomatic? maybe. but the fact that i can be around people enjoying themselves, and i have to fake it depresses me. i don't dare let anyone on, else they might pity me, or react to it, which would further depress me.
i'm bored with life. i'm not stupid enough or confused enough to bother with suicide (though, the thought passes through my mind). so, i'm stuck here, surviving. it's incredibly boring. and that depresses me, too. but, i wait. i persist.
i needed to get that out on the table.
Man. I can only say that I know what you mean. And I'm sorry you're feeling that way. If you need anything, send me an email or fb message. At the very least, I have a lot of exp. with this stuff if you want to chat. Hope you start feeling more like yourself soon.
ReplyDeleteI think you know that I consider you and Danny my two closest male friends, hands down. Obviously I've known you longer, and I think I've said this before but I think we have a lot in common not just in interests but in the way we think and operate. Not all of the time, but a LOT of it.
ReplyDeleteI guess I've never thought of it in terms of depression, but I definitely identify with a lot of what you're talking about here. I am lonely a lot of the time, and I mean a lot. It's much easier for me to decline a social event than to accept an invitation to one. Not just because of my schedule, but because of my state of mind a lot of the time. If there are two kinds of people: those who get energy from being with others and those whose energy is drained by being with others, I'm definitely the second one. Most of the time. Anyway, we do live in rather close proximity to each other. We can talk online, but if you ever wanted to commiserate over some ice cream just give me a call. we'll both ease the loneliness for a little while. i won't pretend to be having a good time and you won't have to either. we can openly detest being in each other's company :p
we shall definitely have a commiseration session
ReplyDeleteI want ice cream too!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteWe could, of course, just chalk the whole thing up to the "artistic temperament." But that might be too easy.
There's a book called "Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament." Haven't read it yet, but it's supposed to be good.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I've been meaning to read that, too.
ReplyDeletei've never heard of it. we should all read it and then get together to discuss. over ice cream!
ReplyDelete