it's been a while

it's been a while since i've written here. i haven't checked my last entry, so i can't say how long, but i'm guessing at least a month. i've been rather much depressed, and i'm going to see a counselor. i have her picked out; she's on staten island not too far from my house. i get six free sessions a year through my dad's employee assistance program, and she's on our insurance so it won't be too much money to continue having sessions. i still haven't made the call yet, though. when i told my mom that i was depressed, she suddenly became very adamant that i see someone. at the time i told her, i was very deeply depressed. i NEEDED to speak to someone, and i went through all the procedures to get authorized and i got the name of the woman and her number. something something-tirado, or tirado-something. i can't recall. i'll just call her tirado - it's simpler.

well, i haven't called her yet because now i feel fine. i don't feel necessarily happy, but is anyone really happy all the time? don't we spend most of our lives neutrally contented with moments and occasions of joy? now, i am content, but i know that eventually, i'll sink back into the depression, and that's when i'll need tirado. i'm telling myself i'm going to call her tomorrow, and i know i'm going to come up with fourteen excuses to put it off. "i got up too late." "i don't remember where i put it (even though i have a pretty good idea where it is)." "i don't feel like picking up the phone." "i'd rather eat/shower/sleep/bio/play a game/do something else first." i can't do it at the moment because it's late and people are sleeping (which is legitimate).

i've tried for a long time to handle it myself. it's over my head, and as much as i can tackle it most times, i won't ever rid myself of it alone. and so with great hesitance and knowing, i call for reinforcements, knowing full well that i'm breaking my record of perfection, of total self-repair.