i've been recommended a few psychiatrists not too far from my house, one of which might be covered under my insurance. i'm to see the psychiatrist and continue to go to psychotherapy.
if this is anything, it's a confirmation of the thoughts i've had for years.
all the events that i intentionally ditched to hide out alone and feel sorry for myself...
all the people i suffocated in my mind so that i could remain distant and cold...
all the years i spent madly thinking that i was some mastermind of those around me...
all of that is connected, and now i'm to rid myself of it.
as much as i know i need to, i can't help but be scared to do it. depression, as miserable as it is, is all i know. once i'm "cured" (is that the right word? this is a disease, isn't it?), i'll be starting over again. i'll be fine for the first time since i was a child. all my memories that i still hold are from a darkened mind. i'm going to be lost. is it wrong of me to not want to be rid of this affliction for that reason? i also feel that it's so ingrained in me that i won't be able to shake it. then again, i don't know the full power of the medicines to which i'll no doubt be prescribed.
time, as always, will tell, and nothing else.
No comments:
Post a Comment