what a strange, familiar feeling...

once again, the urge to move out has risen from within, begging for it's leash to snap so i can run free. but the leash is weakened only with money, and i don't have enough to break it. so i run to the end of my chain and bark at what's outside, beyond my yard, hoarding whichever scraps of change i can find.

i've made a friend in oklahoma playing world of warcraft. we had one of those random spill-the-beans conversations where you tell a stranger things you'd only tell your closest of confidants. we've become friends on facebook, and i'm probably a little too excited at having met another person i can just speak to. but she understands my sense of humor, and we'll play/talk for hours, from sometimes 7:00 or 8:00 at night to as late as 6:30 the following morning. she doesn't trust people much either. really, we do have a lot in common. i don't know her side of the story, but i feel that we could become very close friends; i just get that vibe. you all know when you meet someone you know will be close to you. i know i was right once before, except i overanalyzed it. not this time.

furor mom has decreed that i stay up too late (i've been staying up for years until the wee hours of the morning - i just can't sleep), so she decided to unplug the internet at night. this is frustrating because she not only now guards the router until 3:30/4:00 (whenever she falls asleep) to ensure i don't restore power to it, it means that i can't do what i usually do to keep myself occupied (facebook, youtube, online games, more recently talking to my oklahomian friend). fortunately, there are some open networks that i can get into, but the reception isn't strong, and it's prone to randomly dropping, or being too weak to do anything with. but at times, it works fine, and at those times, it's like nothing ever happened to my internet.

crestfallen

i'm officially diagnosed clinically depressed.

i've been recommended a few psychiatrists not too far from my house, one of which might be covered under my insurance. i'm to see the psychiatrist and continue to go to psychotherapy.

if this is anything, it's a confirmation of the thoughts i've had for years.

all the events that i intentionally ditched to hide out alone and feel sorry for myself...

all the people i suffocated in my mind so that i could remain distant and cold...

all the years i spent madly thinking that i was some mastermind of those around me...

all of that is connected, and now i'm to rid myself of it.

as much as i know i need to, i can't help but be scared to do it. depression, as miserable as it is, is all i know. once i'm "cured" (is that the right word? this is a disease, isn't it?), i'll be starting over again. i'll be fine for the first time since i was a child. all my memories that i still hold are from a darkened mind. i'm going to be lost. is it wrong of me to not want to be rid of this affliction for that reason? i also feel that it's so ingrained in me that i won't be able to shake it. then again, i don't know the full power of the medicines to which i'll no doubt be prescribed.

time, as always, will tell, and nothing else.

i called

my appointment is at 9:30, on 11/17. i really hate mornings, but if i didn't make it, i'd be kicking myself in the ass. i guess i can get myself up before noon two days in a row. it can't be that bad...

it's been a while

it's been a while since i've written here. i haven't checked my last entry, so i can't say how long, but i'm guessing at least a month. i've been rather much depressed, and i'm going to see a counselor. i have her picked out; she's on staten island not too far from my house. i get six free sessions a year through my dad's employee assistance program, and she's on our insurance so it won't be too much money to continue having sessions. i still haven't made the call yet, though. when i told my mom that i was depressed, she suddenly became very adamant that i see someone. at the time i told her, i was very deeply depressed. i NEEDED to speak to someone, and i went through all the procedures to get authorized and i got the name of the woman and her number. something something-tirado, or tirado-something. i can't recall. i'll just call her tirado - it's simpler.

well, i haven't called her yet because now i feel fine. i don't feel necessarily happy, but is anyone really happy all the time? don't we spend most of our lives neutrally contented with moments and occasions of joy? now, i am content, but i know that eventually, i'll sink back into the depression, and that's when i'll need tirado. i'm telling myself i'm going to call her tomorrow, and i know i'm going to come up with fourteen excuses to put it off. "i got up too late." "i don't remember where i put it (even though i have a pretty good idea where it is)." "i don't feel like picking up the phone." "i'd rather eat/shower/sleep/bio/play a game/do something else first." i can't do it at the moment because it's late and people are sleeping (which is legitimate).

i've tried for a long time to handle it myself. it's over my head, and as much as i can tackle it most times, i won't ever rid myself of it alone. and so with great hesitance and knowing, i call for reinforcements, knowing full well that i'm breaking my record of perfection, of total self-repair.

i think i'm mildly depressed.

i feel lonely, and when i'm alone, i get depressed. when i try to be with people, i can't feel anything. emotionally, i'm pretty numb. near emotional paralysis, i suppose. psychosomatic? maybe. but the fact that i can be around people enjoying themselves, and i have to fake it depresses me. i don't dare let anyone on, else they might pity me, or react to it, which would further depress me.

i'm bored with life. i'm not stupid enough or confused enough to bother with suicide (though, the thought passes through my mind). so, i'm stuck here, surviving. it's incredibly boring. and that depresses me, too. but, i wait. i persist.

i needed to get that out on the table.

poe-try

i've been trying my hand at poetry again. let me know what you think

Ultraviolet

Touches of color

Shades

Pigments

You draw me across the spectrum

Electric yellows and firey reds

Into the ultraviolet abyss

Of your heart

You bleed

But your blood is transparent

You've got no color left to give

So you fade out

Always there

An unseen beauty

An invisible rainbow

Rebirth

Left for alive

Left behind

Spade in hand

I attacked the ground

Pierced her flesh

Let her bleed

I found myself inside her

Crawled into her womb

Longing to be born again

Birth never came

If I dig further

Rumor says

I'll reach China

There are lots of people there

fatherhood

sometimes, i think of the little things you do that get me angry. frustrated. manic.

i think to myself, why would you do this? it winds up hurting you, and i have to watch. i watch because you don't listen, and you get hurt. and i have to watch, and that's what makes me angry.

i want to watch you avoid the pain. i want to see you succeed. i want to be at your wedding. i want to watch you find happiness.

sometimes, i think of how mad i get at you. it's at these times that i feel like a parent. like a father. and as crazy as you make me sometimes, i couldn't have asked for a better child.