good luck: paradox?

it sucks when you're in a mess and then by some good luck, things manage to work themselves out. it's even worse when it happens multiple times. i sound crazy. but, i don't. if you get used to it, one day, you're not going to get lucky and shit's going to hit the fan.

my whole procrastination problem which encompassed two separate issues seems to have resolved. i mean, i am hoping for the best, and i'm glad i don't have to deal with fallout, but at the same time, it's uncomfortable knowing that next time, i may not be so lucky.

deep zen breathing and incense

i'm just going to do it. i'm going to have to ignore the staring faces, the one who put me up to this task. all of them. i'm going to have to forge on, knowing that i'm missing half of the materials needed to complete this. knowing full well that i don't have the experience to complete this well enough. i'm going to have to do this my way, even though i'm not supposed to. but in times like this, it's the only way i can. it's the only way i know how.

i laughed about this a little bit

on this site, when you have to type in the random word to prove that you're not a spamming program, i almost always get (and by almost always, i mean that only once it didn't happen) a pronounceable word. for example, i juts got 'milyplat' on jackie's. i've gotten a few other interesting ones in the past, but i forget to write them down. i don't knw if anyone else noticed or tried to read them, but i found it kind of interesting and somewhat humorous.

i just got 'trizzle'. i lol'd; it made me feel like blogger was trying to be ghetto for some reason.

the downside of procrastintion

you're left doing all your shit at the last minute. like trying to juggle you're three clashing schedules, and knowing full well that one is on a crash course for another unless you manage to pass it off to someone else.

networking is a fantastic tool, but it is not a god. it must be utilized in a timely fashion if maximum effectiveness is to be achieved.

and i have to wake up in six and a half hours to juggle some more. jOY. with a capital OY. as in oy vey iz mir.

with any luck, this'll all clear up within the next few days. it's really probably not as bad as i make it seem. i just get paranoid that i'm going to look extremely irresponsible (which i am to a degree if i'm procrastinating) and that people are going to give me a terrible reputation because of it (which i know sounds ridiculous; i just have to convince myself that it's how it works and adjust to it).

YEAH!!!

today, i was spontaneously invited to hang out with my friend katie. i really didn't want to go, but i was like, okay, i'll go. she really wanted to see yes man, and i was hungry, so we went to bk and then to the movies. it wasn't really a great movie, though there were a few funny bits. after the movie, i found myself in a very talkative mood, so the whole ride home (she didn't have her car), i basically rambled on about nothing. after i dropped her off, i went home, and along the way, i realized that i was in the same mood i get in when i'm drunk. i was talkative, spontaneous (i almost kicked a door open at the theater but restrained myself), and if invited, i probably would have gone dancing. i was just in an all around... good mood. and i asked myself, how? how am i so different now? why am i not like this all the time? and i came to the realization that i'm usually alone, thinking. pondering. considering. speculating. inventing nothing useful, but just using up creative energies on pure entertainment.

why am i like this? how did i start down this path?

THE FAÇADE.

i shattered it. as i was driving down my block listening to the end of celluloid heroes by the kinks, i realized this, and i burst into uproarious laughter. i was just... i can't think of the word. it was happy, but not just. free, i suppose. i was breathing clean air. and i couldn't help but be in a more open mood.

i hope this lasts. i enjoy it immensely, and i'm going to do my best to put the past in the past. i say that a lot, and i say that i mean it a lot, and i don't know how else to prove it to myself. but i really want this. i really need this if i'm ever going to move anywhere.

YEAH is the only noise i can make that does any justice to how i feel. but you've got to scream it. you've got to go to the biggest room you can find, the biggest park at the highest point, the top of a fucking mountain and just scream it. breathe in all the air on the planet to get everyone's attention, and scream it all back out in the grandest display of vocals you can provide. all at once. YEAH!!!!

ugh it feels amazing. it's fucking love is what it is. it's realizing that life is something to love. it's past the world of people, because that's just pretend. i understand now what people mean when they say they're touched by God. they feel this sensation and say, "How can anything besides God be responsible for this?" it truly would be remarkable if there were words to do it justice. for now, love will have to suffice.

i am not:

a big weenie.

a quitter.

a non-achiever.

a scaredy-poop.

an imagination.

i am going to try.

at least, right now i am.

i'm going to try to try, because something tells me, even though i fight it often, and i have for years, that i need to succeed.

i must succeed, else i continuously nag myself.

i have a target in the line of sight; it just won't go down. i must keep firing. 

fire. fire. fire.

FIRE.

once you lose all hope, all hope is lost.

good good good: part deux

http://juststopandthink.com/movieextras_movielg.phphttp://juststop

moral good. societal good? sort of? kind of. not entirely, but there's a relationship.

please mind his annoying voice and the repetitive music.

good good good

jeremy and i had a conversation this morning (by that i mean around 3:30 this morning), and the question arose of how good and evil can be defined as applied to whether humans are inherently good or evil. this led to him asking, "would you agree or disagree that 'good' for the society has anything to do with 'moral good'?" my statement was that they are cousins of each other. moral good is defined by ones opinions, and usually, a large portion is taken from religious dogmas and doctrines. for example, a modern christian would typically be disturbed witnessing a human sacrifice, because "Thou Shalt Not Kill" is one of the ten commandments. God said it Himself: "Don't Do That." however, to the native americans who needed rain, it was a pretty good idea, and a honor to be chosen. morally, killing in that sense was a very good thing. societal good is what is deemed necessary for the group as a whole. this is where we get the modern general idea of good and evil.

for example, crime is looked upon as bad. why? because it is self-beneficial. the society cannot be aided by thievery. but, look at the man who jumped in front of a bus pushing a woman out of the way. that man was stupid. someone was going to get hit, and he went against his base instincts and got himself killed. fool, right? nope. this man was a hero, for his self-sacrifice.

humans honor altruism and abhor vanity. this is what defines societal good and evil. look out our villians; they are almost always greedy or vain or egotistical. our heroes are often found to be selfless, generous and modest. this is what aids society most, despite our individual, moral goods and evils. 

this was about where we left off, as bed called us to go to sleep (well, him really, but i wound up going myself). so, it's open to discussion.

bauerbutt fuckmouth

gave me a c+ in counterpoint.

WTF.

all because i didn't do his fucking online shits that hardly anyone did and i didn't keep track of my own attendance. THAT'S YOUR JOB DIPSHIT! YOU GET PAID MONEY TO DO THAT! MONEY YOU DON'T DESERVE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING LAZY ASS WHO MAKES UP SHIT ON THE SPOT YOU BACTERIAL INFECTION!

ugh.

i hate that man.

i apologize. what i meant to say was, i hate that mephistophelean hellspawn who couldn't teach a calculator how to add.

fucking dipshit.

i mean, i couldn't get a b-? no, i had to get a c+. and he did it on purpose because he doesn't like me because i don't agree with his fucking philosophies. because when he finds a piece of music to be sad, i find it to be meditative. because i feel that everyone can derive something different. because i find it plausible (even though it's not my personal opinion) that someone can think of disco dancing when they hear the moonlight sonata. BAUER YOU'RE A DICKWEED.

i don't even know what a dickweed is, but it doesn't sound nice, so it works.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH

otherwise, i got a b+ in music tech, and incomplete in piano (because i didn't let my prof experience the "miracle of music" so i'm retaking it next semester) and an a's in the rest.

just. fucking. bauerassmouthneedsapineappleuphisasssowhenhesitsdownheknowshowifeelwheniminhisfuckingclass.

explanation.

i suppose i should explain the significance of "in zane, we trust." it means a few things.

the more obvious one is that the combination 'in zane' sounds like the word 'insane'. well, i find trusting people somewhat difficult to do, and i find that it's the times that we're at our lowest that we spill out on people, and find people we really can trust. i've personally been on both ends of that one, so i'll hold it to be true.

also, zane is a name. the meaning is unknown (at least according to my sources). i find that it's people we don't know that we can trust the most. it's those people, people who are unknown to us, people who know nothing about us that can view our situations most objectively. it's those people we can trust the most, because, they have no reason to betray our trust. of course, there are always, and will always be, exceptions. there are always people who look to hurt others. but for the most part, i find this to be true.

lastly, it mimics the national phrase, "in God, we trust". now, i'm not a believer of God in any way. but even those who are, no one can prove anything. truth, faith, belief are all synonyms of each other. no one knows. we trust. in what, well who knows? is it God as the christians see Him? or, perhaps it's a legion of deities as in some polytheistic religions? maybe i'm right, and there's nothing out there? in zane, we trust.

that said (and if this wasn't obvious by this point), i'm a man of truth. i don't look to just settle an answer; my goal is to find a logical explanation, or at least one that is somewhat feasible. if one is not available, i'll wait until one comes along.

m'khoemt mab khoemt ergel tolazh.

m'khoemt mab låamâmt galamkt. iy.