YEAH!!!

today, i was spontaneously invited to hang out with my friend katie. i really didn't want to go, but i was like, okay, i'll go. she really wanted to see yes man, and i was hungry, so we went to bk and then to the movies. it wasn't really a great movie, though there were a few funny bits. after the movie, i found myself in a very talkative mood, so the whole ride home (she didn't have her car), i basically rambled on about nothing. after i dropped her off, i went home, and along the way, i realized that i was in the same mood i get in when i'm drunk. i was talkative, spontaneous (i almost kicked a door open at the theater but restrained myself), and if invited, i probably would have gone dancing. i was just in an all around... good mood. and i asked myself, how? how am i so different now? why am i not like this all the time? and i came to the realization that i'm usually alone, thinking. pondering. considering. speculating. inventing nothing useful, but just using up creative energies on pure entertainment.

why am i like this? how did i start down this path?

THE FAÇADE.

i shattered it. as i was driving down my block listening to the end of celluloid heroes by the kinks, i realized this, and i burst into uproarious laughter. i was just... i can't think of the word. it was happy, but not just. free, i suppose. i was breathing clean air. and i couldn't help but be in a more open mood.

i hope this lasts. i enjoy it immensely, and i'm going to do my best to put the past in the past. i say that a lot, and i say that i mean it a lot, and i don't know how else to prove it to myself. but i really want this. i really need this if i'm ever going to move anywhere.

YEAH is the only noise i can make that does any justice to how i feel. but you've got to scream it. you've got to go to the biggest room you can find, the biggest park at the highest point, the top of a fucking mountain and just scream it. breathe in all the air on the planet to get everyone's attention, and scream it all back out in the grandest display of vocals you can provide. all at once. YEAH!!!!

ugh it feels amazing. it's fucking love is what it is. it's realizing that life is something to love. it's past the world of people, because that's just pretend. i understand now what people mean when they say they're touched by God. they feel this sensation and say, "How can anything besides God be responsible for this?" it truly would be remarkable if there were words to do it justice. for now, love will have to suffice.