i find that lately, i haven't been feeling depressed. for the past month or so, i've been in higher spirits, and generally in a good mood - a vast improvement from prior days and nights. i don't feel lonely anymore.

today, she told me about a boy who likes her, who's apparently quite attractive and appears to be a nice guy, but has no sense of vocabulary (for example, he doesn't know what the word 'moral' means. i mean, let's be honest, if you're in your twenties and you still don't know what moral means, there's something wrong). i think she was asking me this to get my reaction. keeping that in mind, i went along with it and told her to get him hooked on phonics, and that she could try it but, her being a writer, the relationship wouldn't last too long before she went berserk.

ooooooooooook! lahoma!

she asked me to do something i didn't really want to do.

she then said, "please sweetie".

:)

what a strange, familiar feeling...

once again, the urge to move out has risen from within, begging for it's leash to snap so i can run free. but the leash is weakened only with money, and i don't have enough to break it. so i run to the end of my chain and bark at what's outside, beyond my yard, hoarding whichever scraps of change i can find.

i've made a friend in oklahoma playing world of warcraft. we had one of those random spill-the-beans conversations where you tell a stranger things you'd only tell your closest of confidants. we've become friends on facebook, and i'm probably a little too excited at having met another person i can just speak to. but she understands my sense of humor, and we'll play/talk for hours, from sometimes 7:00 or 8:00 at night to as late as 6:30 the following morning. she doesn't trust people much either. really, we do have a lot in common. i don't know her side of the story, but i feel that we could become very close friends; i just get that vibe. you all know when you meet someone you know will be close to you. i know i was right once before, except i overanalyzed it. not this time.

furor mom has decreed that i stay up too late (i've been staying up for years until the wee hours of the morning - i just can't sleep), so she decided to unplug the internet at night. this is frustrating because she not only now guards the router until 3:30/4:00 (whenever she falls asleep) to ensure i don't restore power to it, it means that i can't do what i usually do to keep myself occupied (facebook, youtube, online games, more recently talking to my oklahomian friend). fortunately, there are some open networks that i can get into, but the reception isn't strong, and it's prone to randomly dropping, or being too weak to do anything with. but at times, it works fine, and at those times, it's like nothing ever happened to my internet.

crestfallen

i'm officially diagnosed clinically depressed.

i've been recommended a few psychiatrists not too far from my house, one of which might be covered under my insurance. i'm to see the psychiatrist and continue to go to psychotherapy.

if this is anything, it's a confirmation of the thoughts i've had for years.

all the events that i intentionally ditched to hide out alone and feel sorry for myself...

all the people i suffocated in my mind so that i could remain distant and cold...

all the years i spent madly thinking that i was some mastermind of those around me...

all of that is connected, and now i'm to rid myself of it.

as much as i know i need to, i can't help but be scared to do it. depression, as miserable as it is, is all i know. once i'm "cured" (is that the right word? this is a disease, isn't it?), i'll be starting over again. i'll be fine for the first time since i was a child. all my memories that i still hold are from a darkened mind. i'm going to be lost. is it wrong of me to not want to be rid of this affliction for that reason? i also feel that it's so ingrained in me that i won't be able to shake it. then again, i don't know the full power of the medicines to which i'll no doubt be prescribed.

time, as always, will tell, and nothing else.

i called

my appointment is at 9:30, on 11/17. i really hate mornings, but if i didn't make it, i'd be kicking myself in the ass. i guess i can get myself up before noon two days in a row. it can't be that bad...

it's been a while

it's been a while since i've written here. i haven't checked my last entry, so i can't say how long, but i'm guessing at least a month. i've been rather much depressed, and i'm going to see a counselor. i have her picked out; she's on staten island not too far from my house. i get six free sessions a year through my dad's employee assistance program, and she's on our insurance so it won't be too much money to continue having sessions. i still haven't made the call yet, though. when i told my mom that i was depressed, she suddenly became very adamant that i see someone. at the time i told her, i was very deeply depressed. i NEEDED to speak to someone, and i went through all the procedures to get authorized and i got the name of the woman and her number. something something-tirado, or tirado-something. i can't recall. i'll just call her tirado - it's simpler.

well, i haven't called her yet because now i feel fine. i don't feel necessarily happy, but is anyone really happy all the time? don't we spend most of our lives neutrally contented with moments and occasions of joy? now, i am content, but i know that eventually, i'll sink back into the depression, and that's when i'll need tirado. i'm telling myself i'm going to call her tomorrow, and i know i'm going to come up with fourteen excuses to put it off. "i got up too late." "i don't remember where i put it (even though i have a pretty good idea where it is)." "i don't feel like picking up the phone." "i'd rather eat/shower/sleep/bio/play a game/do something else first." i can't do it at the moment because it's late and people are sleeping (which is legitimate).

i've tried for a long time to handle it myself. it's over my head, and as much as i can tackle it most times, i won't ever rid myself of it alone. and so with great hesitance and knowing, i call for reinforcements, knowing full well that i'm breaking my record of perfection, of total self-repair.

i think i'm mildly depressed.

i feel lonely, and when i'm alone, i get depressed. when i try to be with people, i can't feel anything. emotionally, i'm pretty numb. near emotional paralysis, i suppose. psychosomatic? maybe. but the fact that i can be around people enjoying themselves, and i have to fake it depresses me. i don't dare let anyone on, else they might pity me, or react to it, which would further depress me.

i'm bored with life. i'm not stupid enough or confused enough to bother with suicide (though, the thought passes through my mind). so, i'm stuck here, surviving. it's incredibly boring. and that depresses me, too. but, i wait. i persist.

i needed to get that out on the table.

poe-try

i've been trying my hand at poetry again. let me know what you think

Ultraviolet

Touches of color

Shades

Pigments

You draw me across the spectrum

Electric yellows and firey reds

Into the ultraviolet abyss

Of your heart

You bleed

But your blood is transparent

You've got no color left to give

So you fade out

Always there

An unseen beauty

An invisible rainbow

Rebirth

Left for alive

Left behind

Spade in hand

I attacked the ground

Pierced her flesh

Let her bleed

I found myself inside her

Crawled into her womb

Longing to be born again

Birth never came

If I dig further

Rumor says

I'll reach China

There are lots of people there

fatherhood

sometimes, i think of the little things you do that get me angry. frustrated. manic.

i think to myself, why would you do this? it winds up hurting you, and i have to watch. i watch because you don't listen, and you get hurt. and i have to watch, and that's what makes me angry.

i want to watch you avoid the pain. i want to see you succeed. i want to be at your wedding. i want to watch you find happiness.

sometimes, i think of how mad i get at you. it's at these times that i feel like a parent. like a father. and as crazy as you make me sometimes, i couldn't have asked for a better child.

does anyone know the etymology of the phrase "new and improved"? if you think about it, you'll see that it contradicts itself, for how can something claim to have been improved if it is new?

today marks a tremendous holiday

after almost a month of waiting, i finally received it:

a friend confirmation from one william r. bauer.

now we can be facebook besties! yay!

it's almost like being on a ship on rough seas. i'm rocking back and forth. when i get to one side, i think i know how to stop it. but, before i can see it through, i get shoved over to the other side, and when i'm there, i don't want to end it. it's more that i'm apathetic towards... well, mostly everything.

today, i was jolted to the former of those sides. i need a few months, maybe a year, but i know i can end the rocking.

how to vanish

first, you need to be deemed unnecessary. if no one cares about you, no one will bother to concern themselves with your affairs.

second, you need to be forgotten. when you're forgotten, people can't even acknowledge your presence. at this point, the illusion is complete.

third, you need to disappear. that one's fairly obvious, so i won't explain it. as i said in step two, the illusion completes once you're forgotten. however, the mark of a true magician is that the trick be completed fully. otherwise, you might slip and give the trick away.

filosofee

one week: two coelho books.

it's like getting drunk on philosophy. it's amazing.

the malice of rumors

i should not have to defend my honor against people i risked it trying to help.

i should not be attacked by the person i aided, who is receiving information from the people i asked for aid, to help the person attacking me in the first place.

i should not be finding this out from this one person, while the others continue about their normal business.

i should not have to avoid a friend, regardless of how close, because of a rumor. because someone doesn't like me, because i attempted to prove that one a liar.

i should not have to be at the crossroads of a problem that isn't mine.

--------------

edit

i am EXTREMELY PISSED about this. you know that this doesn't happen easily. you all know that i'm one of the hardest people to truly insult, because i just don't care. well, my friends, it's been done. someone has dubbed me untrustworthy without giving reason for it. i am NOT a liar. i lie, because i am human, and therefore prone to sins, but i honor truth more than most. i am deeply cut. until i find out what's going on, one can expect that i'll be not quite the most pleasant person to deal with, or at least, not as pleasant as usual. i will however, make efforts to subdue my emotions, so that you, my friends, will not be afflicted by problems that aren't your own. for, you do not deserve to suffer them, or their effects.

a supercell begins it's domination over my lands

ten thousand Flame Queens cry, red and gold

their tears are mine

a squall erupts and Zeus sends forth volleys with his acclaimed accuracy

Thor, too, screams a battlecry as Mjǫllnir strikes with a bang

my lands are torn and shattered

these lands are my flesh

yet i am unscathed.

i long for the fire rainbow to give light

for the trail of the Valkyrjur to guide me to safety

for Apollo's chariot to break through the derecho

or, i must feel the trees being rooted from their soil

i must feel the ground splitting under the tectonic pressures

i must know what it is to lose a part of myself

i, too, must learn patience.

B.A.M.F.

i love urbandictionary for certain reasons. one of those happens to be entry #4 for the definition of "B.A.M.F."

i love it so much, i'm going to share it with you.

	B.A.M.F.
	neville longbottom *Quotable B.A.M.F. Moments*  "What? This?" Neville dismissed his injuries with a shake of his head. "This is nothing."  *  "Alecto, Amycus' sister, teaches Muggle Studies, which is compulsory for everyone. We've all got to listen to her explain how Muggles are like animals, stupid and dirty, and how they drove wizards into hiding by being vicious toward them, and how the natural order is being reestablished. I got this one," he indicated another slash to his face, "for asking how much Muggle blood she and her brother have got."  "Blimey, Neville," said Ron, "there's a time and a place for getting a smart mouth."  "You didn't hear her," said Neville.  *  "But they've used you as a knife sharpener," said Ron...Neville shrugged. *  "Neville's the man!"  *  "We used to sneak out at night and put graffiti on the walls."  *  "Mandrakes!" Neville bellowed at Harry over his shoulder as he ran. "Going to lob them over the walls--they won't like this!"  *  "Have you seen my grandson?"  "He's fighting," said Harry.  "Naturally."  *  Someone had broken free of the crowd and charged at Voldemort.  *  "I'll join you when hell freezes over," said Neville.  *  With a single stroke Neville sliced off the great snake's head, which spun high into the air, gleaming in the light flooding from the entrance hall...  *  Some old-school BAMF: "I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy."  *

not quite destiny

what's out there?

if i had a wish, i would want to turn into a bird and fly.

leave the ground behind and soar up to the great beyond and find out.

the skate park II

day 4: june 11th

rain. went to cromwell; looked important and too busy to be bothered. found mary at the end of the day, and personally spoke with her about the situation at skate park. got a medal of commendation for above and beyond display of bravery on the battlefield. a letter was dispatched; reinforcements should arrive shortly.

day 4b: june 12th

despite my best efforts, rain did not come on time. i wasn't sure what to expect. were they going to tape me to a ramp and ollie off my head? were they just going to plain beat the shit out of me? perhaps they had talked and realized that i did the right thing? nah, they probably don't even remember it.

upon entering, i got a few glares, but after i ignored them, things went about as usual. with one exception. reinforcements had arrived. i met angelica and monica, the two women who would be taking my shift. i recognized them from my second day out there; they were hanging out with the kids. monica looks like natalee portman, in my opinion. not totally, but it was enough to make me wonder, "who the hell does she look like?"

today was a pretty laid back day. i spent about half of it guarding one of the kids' bag, and the other half talking to the girls. angelica is a bit quiet, but not really timid. monica is louder, but she's gullible, and immature enough to be able to level with the kids. also, she's a photography major at one of the arts schools in manhattan (i forget which one). their motto is "yell, yell, yell". i submit that i like having a voice and not being hoarse, and considering that my yelling voice doesn't really carry all that well, i'm going to stick to my "you don't fuck with me, i don't fuck with you" tactic. not that either method is particularly effective. we'll see.

angelica said that she wants to start cracking down sunday. i can't anticipate what it'll be like, but it sure as hell is going to be nice to not be alone.

oh, angelica is the only one on a line; monica doesn't officially start until july, but the two are apparently really close friends, so i assume i'll be seeing them both in a few days.

bauer's on facebook

el. oh. el.

i so added him haha

the skate park

between my times as director of kids on stage, i am bound by the department of parks and recreation (dpr) to deliver a solid fifteen hours a week of labor of some sort. for the month of june, my shackles have been locked to the skate park, located on father capodanno drive, near jefferson. thursdays, fridays and sundays (weather permitting, of course), i am to report there and make sure no one dies.

day 1: may 28th

rain. instead, i went to the cromwell center and dressed up as the genie from aladdin to be a greeter for the aladdin puppet show, hosted by the afterschool program.

day 1b: may 29th

my twenty-first birthday. not that i celebrate my birthdays, but i had a party to attend that evening and so was anxious to get out of work. it's also my first day here. i'm not used to people skating, biking, scooting or roller blading, so i'm naturally very nervous that someone's going to get hurt. "relax," said mike, the biker. "kids fall here all the time. if they don't get back up, then you have a problem."

well, not even an hour before i have to leave, i hear, "matt, come quick!" a kid is down. blood. he's split his lip open. i have nothing to clean the blood with, and the nearby office is closed. all i can do is fill out an accident report, and i do so. fortunately, two of the kids present were cousins with poor charlie who fell, and called his mother directly. it turned out that he needed five stitches in his lip and two on his chin, but i find that out on...

day 2: may 31st

it's my first sunday. 11:30 - 7:00 with a half hour lunch. i go in, a bit more prepared for what is to happen. i meet a bigger kid who goes by the nickname 'chex mix', or, simply, 'chex'. he explains to me what 'getting whopped' is (jackie, this was a gloin on my part. for those who don't know what it is, all i'll say is - b.j. anyone?). he also tells me about the different teams, like 'team fupa'. he explains that there is a group of girls who enter the park but don't skate, and they are called 'the ramp tramps'.

well, as the day goes on, the park fills up with between fifty and sixty people, all hanging out, riding, skooting, biking, whatnot. a grill shows up and people are cooking. i don't know that this is a problem, but someone did and called the parks police. they then asked me how i could allow grilling to go on, as well as drinking and drugs. (excuse me? drinking and drugs? i KNOW those are illegal.) i explained that it was my second day on the job, and that i'm here by myself. after that, the parks officer told me to make routine checks around just to make sure no one was doing anything stupid. i made a few rounds, and talked to some of the kids. "they're crazy, but not bad," i thought. i figured it would be a cake job, not anticipating the next week.

day 3: june 4th

rain. went to greenbelt. talked kids on stage.

day 3b: june 5th

rain. again. went to greenbelt. again. talked kids on stage. again. decided on doing "cats". *slaps hand* what a horrible idea.

day 3c: june 7th

it's not as crowded as last week. in fact, only half as packed. mike the biker brought his rottweiler. i told him to be careful that she not use the park as a bathroom. he assured me that it was okay, and that she wasn't aggressive. she was definitely docile, but a bit skittish, and was apparently afraid of humans.

as the day progresses, one kid, vin (who's probably thirteen or fourteen), decides he's going to fuck with me, by stealing my stuff and hiding it. "he's joking," i tell myself, and i ask for it back. instead, he runs around the park with another kid, playing keep away. now, in the crate that he took, i had helmets that people were supposed to be wearing (oh yes, people are supposed to wear helmets while on the ramps; no one ever does), band-aids, a sign-in sheet, incident reports, and other important paperwork. i'm starting to get annoyed, so i pretend to get really pissed off and i eventually get it back. however, the kid just didn't know when to stop, and kept trying to fuck with me.

i get him to leave me alone, and i'm watching some of the kids scoot. this one kid was doing these AMAZING tricks on a scooter. triple flips while spinning it underneath him as he's somersaulting, and lands on the ramp and continues to scoot. on woman who was watching, bumped into bell (the rottweiler). that was the end of that. she FREAKED out. her leash was tied to the bottom of the bench, so she didn't have much room to go, but man she moved fast. she knocked over someones drink, and her leash pinched my calf against the bench, leaving a nice blood blister. not only that, but the incident literally scared the shit out of her. we called mike over to clean it up, but he had no bags. we found a few from people's lunches and covered the rest up with paper.

i found a piece that he missed, so i took on of my spare forms and used it to throw out the poopie. i turn around, and my box is gone again. i find vin, and tell him, "listen. as long as i get it back before i leave, i'm okay. i'm not going to flip out." he says, "i have no clue what you're talking about." well, now i'm pissed.

a good ten minutes later, vin tells me that he doesn't know anything about it, and he's asked around; him and the other kid offer to help me locate it. then, someone turns up a helmet, and i find out another two are in the bowl (a giant bowl the kids skate in). i go in, and there they are. then, i find my box and the last helmet. in the piss corner.

no. fucking. way.

someone peed in one of the helmets.

people are eating on the ramps.

my band-aids are littering the floor.

everyone has a limit.

i go out to the office, and request parks police. while we wait, we see what looks like a fight brew, but it quickly dissipates. sure enough, one kid (i forget his name, but he's always been good about rules and such) comes to tell me that a fight did indeed occur. one of the women eating pizza on the ramps was saying how she shouldn't get yelled at, and the kid defended me, and he wound up getting pushed. he did nothing, which was wise, but the fight didn't escalate, because she and her friends left.

the parks police showed up, and with their assistance, we closed the park temporarily to clean. i found my four helmets (one was missing the foam inside, one was missing a clip, and one was covered in urine), three band-aids, and my other paperwork. we let people back in, but they have to wear helmets. well, some kids just won't listen. i reminded a few of them to wear helmets repeatedly.

let me quickly define remind: screaming "GET OFF THE RAMPS! YOU! HELMET! NOW! GET OFF!"

since they wouldn't listen and i was going hoarse, i decided to shut down the park for good for the day. i had the assistance of the parks police, and we shut it down, much to the dismay of the kids, who had a lot of things to say, and of course knew exactly what they were talking about because they were thirteen and fourteen on average.

i stayed until seven to make sure no one snuck back in, and spoke civilly with some of the remaining kids, who had, not a half hour ago, given me a few pieces of their minds. i wound up giving one of them a ride home, since he didn't live far from me.

tomorrow, i'm calling my boss and demanding that i get at least another person to assist me, because i really don't want to have to do this again. i felt awful for the kids who did nothing wrong, and i hate punishing the masses for the crimes of the few, but in that situation, it was the best thing i could've done.

oy. hopefully next week'll be better off. maybe they'll wear helmets. HA.

dreams

i've been remembering my dreams recently. it's strange, because i haven't had this happen in years. i'll tell you what i recall of them.

this one was two nights ago.

i'm in some sort of office building on the sixth or so floor. there's a stage and i'm watching a rehearsal. kristen cesar is there and she tells me that i have to brush my teeth. so, i leave the room and somehow wind up on the first landing, finished with brushing my teeth. so, i get on the elevator going back up. there's another guy on the elevator with me. he must work in the building, because he's balding and is wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.  the elevator has a tapered ceiling, like a rooftop, or the top half of a diamond. as the elevator goes up, i notice the ceiling getting lower on one side. i step out of the way, and the other guy just stands there and gets crushed, and blood gushes out. i wedge myself into a spot where i wont get crushed, and i wish myself out of there.

now, i'm in some village. there's a long lake, and i'm on some sort of wooden construct. there's a ramp and a balcony. it looks very rickety, but friendly. i walk into a shop, and there's a man and his wife (very yokel looking), and they're walking their pet pig. i don't think the pig wanted to be there, because he was trying to escape. the man was yelling at the pig to stay still. he lets go of the pig to talk to the store owner, and the pig runs, jumps off the balcony, over the lake and down some maybe 200ft to the other side where it splatters in cute pink pig goo. i think there were some intestines, but it wasn't really gross looking like it would be in real life. the wife is like, oh no, and i said something to the effect of well, it was a really good jump. the man came out and was very sad, and there was a production number (complete with camera angles, panning, cross-fading and the rest of the works) where the man sung a melancholy country ballad in memory of his pet pig. i woke up when it was over. it ended and it was sunset. i think the man said something in the song about regretting not having baptized the pig.

last night:

i parked my car outside some church-like building. the lot  i don't know what it was. but there was a desert next to it. i was on some sort of important mission, but i can't remember what. i ran through the desert and got to some ruined construct. i did something, and spoke to some cloaked people about something, and left. i think i was being followed, but i was too far ahead to be in danger. i ran back to my car, and got in and started it. a creepy looking hobo man was standing outside my door, and asking me for a ride. i told him that i had places to go and i didn't have time. he tried forcing his way in but i shut the door and locked him out and got away.

i was now in some room. there was a video game. i don't know what it was, but i think it was a fighting game. the tv was small and high on the wall, but when i went to play, i somehow saw everything. i was playing with someone else, and she was kind of there, but i was alone, but she was there. it was weird. she left, and then i left, and i woke up.

anyone have any interpretations? besides, "Matt, you're going bonkers;" i know that one already.

forty-eight hour nap dream

i'm so tired. it's not just the i-only-had-three-hours-of-sleep-last-night-and-i-won't-be-able-to-take-a-nap kind of tired. it's the what's-going-on-around-me kind of tired. i made a few people repeat themselves to me because i just spaced out on them. i'm not thinking properly, or at least as thoroughly as i could, and should be.

so yeah. basically, i can't wait until school ends so that i won't have to practice or study and i can catch up on some quite needed sleep...

curious behavior

lately, i've found myself in a brooding mood. however, i have nothing to brood over. why then, am i so glum? what should i be contemplating so darkly, to leave me in this state of mind?

double the fun

i'm determined to learn a second language. however, my reasons aren't for practicality, or i'd pick up on spanish. i'd really just like to be able to speak, write and think with a different set of words and ideas. i'm looking at german, sanskrit, arabic, esperanto, latin and thai. my problem is that without the means to practice it, i'll never remember it.

i've got all the resources i need to learn sanskrit, and i was actually making progress with deciphering the devanagari (those fancy looking letters that look like a straight line with a bunch of squiggles underneath). i have a thorough sanskrit-english online dictionary and a webpage that goes over grammar. alas, i don't know anyone who speaks sanskrit.

i've found two books in pdf (which are currently on my desktop) that explain esperanto, and it looks promising. it's apparently very easy to learn for english-speaking people, and it has very few rules. the trickiest part is getting used to the pronunciation of letters. (for example - the letter 'j' is pronounced like 'y'; the letter 'c' is pronounced like 'ts'; the letter combination 'sx' is pronounced like 'sh'; etc.) when school's over, i should have enough time to dive in.

i've got a german-english and a latin-english dictionary lying around here somewhere. arabic just sounds awesome, but it's going to be the most challenging from what little i know about how it works. i know even less about thai, but i love the look of the thai alphabet. it's like hawaiian mixed with alien; it just looks so cool.

if anyone wants to do esperanto over the summer, i could hook you up with the books and we could practice it.

something therapeutic

i got caught up in the past, so i wrote a song about it, and i think i did a decent job of it. criticisms welcome.

I know where I am; lost in myself

My mind labyrinth keeps all contained

 

I’m behind you

I’m behind me

I’m behind all the world

I’m behind the mask

 

I know where I am; lost to the world

My own demise from ignorance of youth

 

I’m behind you

I’m behind me

I’m behind all the world

I’m behind the mask

 

I know where I am; lost in my mind

Locked behind the mask

in between days, edited

sometimes (most times), i am a dummy. i am an apothecary. i begin to brew a potion, and for whatever reason, i check on it less and less. and so, it becomes forgotten, and i leave it.

so go on 
just walk away 
go on, go on 
your choice is made 
go on, go on 
disappear 
go on, go on 
away from here 

that's when i realize, "hey, i want that potion."

yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child 
yesterday away from you, it froze me deep inside 

well 
come back, come back 
no other way 
come back, come back 
I'm back today 
come back, come back 
we'll can't you see 
come back, come back 
come back to me 

when i realize this, it's usually too late. maybe i can be more agile; maybe i can catch it before i lose it for good.

the can of worms

it was opened again today. it started so simply - i couldn't use the car. then again, it wasn't so simple - she intentionally took the one vehicle i could drive so i wasn't able to use it. she blamed me, i blamed her, she told me she wasn't having this conversation, i interrupted her by hanging up.

my sisters asked what happened, and i let out my fury on them. they told me i didn't mean what i said, and that i was just speaking out of anger. it was true, though. if she doesn't change her ways, when i move out, it'll be the last time she sees me.

i distracted myself by listening to my angry song. i was interrupted by my one sister, who gave me the only therapy she knew, and we went into the backyard for a cigarette. i don't smoke, but i knew that it was a better alternative than brooding. so, i pushed my rage aside and went outside. i fought tears really hard, but a bare few escaped.

i sat outside, i smoked, and i went back inside. i went into my attic. it's the one room i the house that no one else goes into, and so it's my safe-haven. i needed to distract myself so that i would calm down. i hooked up my xbox and played for about an hour, when the phone rang. it was my dad, and he wanted to speak with me.

my dad is a good person to have on my team. he's intelligent and very persuasive. he understands me. he asked what had happened. (i assume my mother called him and told him what had happened.) i told him everything, and upon recalling the events, began to cry. it wasn't, isn't, fair. i told him that i didn't want to be victimized anymore. he understood my point of view, and knew that i understood my mothers, and so wasn't just complaining. i had a case, and he would talk to her about it.

i resumed playing for the next few hours without pause, when i realized that i was hungry. i went downstairs, and made myself a sandwich. my sister said that she spoke with mom, and that she would talk to her later about it.

mom thinks she deserves respect because she's my mother. she's mistaken; why should i respect her when she doesn't respect me?

this is most likely going to be an ugly, tense week. 

egg hunt

i'm anticipating the day. i'm going to be really pissed if my cousin doesn't show up, because she's going to be the only thing distracting me from the day.

i went to mcdonalds for dinner. i had to park down the block from my house to eat, because i couldn't walk into the house with a burger. not on the 1976th anniversary of His death.

i wish i could hide in one of those eggs that the kids don't find. just for sunday. then on monday, i'd pop out again and resume my daily activities.

the advantages of patience

i had made it to the point in time i needed to. arrangements were made, and the time finally came for action. i sent a confirmation message out a day prior, to ensure things were to go as scheduled. not hearing word, i became anxious that the plans had fallen through, and as the hours passed, i gave up hope. in less hours than i have fingers on my hands, i hear back from the party, saying that they got the message, but due to unanticipated events, the gathering would need to be pushed into next week.

i suppose a rain-check is better than nothing.

tick tock cuckoo

it's 11:25.

i have just eaten my two buffalo wing white slices, and i have a cheese calzone for tomorrow. of course, i didn't really eat the chicken, because it's friday and mom says i can't eat meat. right.

i watched all fifty one episodes of arrested development over the course of four and a half days. my next show will be the office.

TICK.

um, i'm drinking dr. pepper. this i was from my food. i wouldn't have had to get food if what i ordered at work would have shown up. i called in and ordered a mexican pizza with a ginger ale to be delivered to my building. i waited fifty minutes until i called asking if they had left, to which the man replied, "Eets ahn eets weh". i waited another ten minutes to get a phone call from a security guard at some other building, saying that the kid delivered the food to the wrong place, but it was on it's way over. i waited another forty minutes until it was 9:40 at night and we were closing the building for the night. i went home hungry, and got my pizza.

um...

TOCK.

i have work tomorrow. work from 10:30 - 1:30, then to cromwell for more work until 3:00. then to marissa and lauren's new apartment to help the former with jazz, then to fenix studios for rehearsal with sarah and whoever else decides to show up. sunday, i have work in the morning. monday, nothing. tuesday, i have work at rustic. i owe some make up lessons that i have to get settled then. i owe  billy, dan, gabe, joe, nisam, allie, greg, giovanni, melissa... jose.

CUCKOO! CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

it's 11:36. that's ninety-two and a half hours until i ask about a trip. i wait, i wait, i wait, i wait, i wait. i wait. i wait, wait, wait. i wait and wait. i wait some more. and then, i wait. i wait.

iwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwaitiwait

i wait. but my patience wears down. is this virtuous? nay, i say. it's advantageous is what it is.

the unshakeable tenacity of the black goblin part III

Gideon was standing in the door, about to join the lovely girl and the Black Goblin, when he heard a strange rustling coming from outside. He peered out the window, and saw an elf. She was the most beautiful elf he had ever laid eyes on. She motioned for him to go outside, so he sneakily crept out of the door and into the woods where she waited.

The elf gave him her brooch and a sack, containing a strange dust. "This dust," she said, "will bring to light what shadows try to hide. Just sprinkle it on whatever you seek truth from, and it shall be known to you."

"What of this brooch?" asked Gideon.

"That," replied the elf, "is for you to remember me by. I am watching." With that, the elf darted off into the woods, fading in the distance with the trees and thickets.

The boy didn't know what to do with the dust, so he walked into the house, putting the brooch on as he went. Not looking carefully at where he was going as he was pinning the brooch to his shirt, he tripped and fell, sending the satchel of dust flying into the air. The dust scattered everywhere. Gideon jumped up in a panic, thinking he had wasted the dust, but when he turned to the goblin, he could see that the goblin wasn't black at all. He wasn't slimy, or grotesque in any way. In fact, he was rather handsome, for a goblin anyway, and was a deep shade of blue.

"Oh my, look at all this dust everywhere! Gideon, we'll have to clean this up," said the lovely girl.

"Oh yes," replied Gideon. He turned to the goblin. "Excuse me, sir goblin, my apologies. I seem to have spilled dust all over you."

The Blue Goblin replied, "Not a problem, boy. Not a problem. I happen to be a fantastic duster. I was taught by elves."

"You mean, you lived with elves? You never lived in a cave?" responded Gideon.

"No, dear boy," laughed the goblin. "Caves are dank and dark, gloomy places. They suffocate one. There's no way to breath in those places. Everything gets all bottled up in there. In the forest, you have air. The trees breathe with you. It's much nicer out there." His eyes turned to the brooch on Gideon's shirt. "My, what a marvelous looking clasp you have, there. It looks somewhat familiar to my eyes; where did you acquire it?"

"A friend," replied Gideon as he smiled. "A friend."

"Well, this house is a mess, let's clean it on up, shall we?" said the lovely girl, grabbing her dusters.

The three cleaned the house, and spent the night laughing and talking about all manner of things. They had a wonderful night.

the unshakeable tenacity of the black goblin part II

Some time earlier...

Gideon had been trapped in the goblin's cave for months upon months. The goblin appeared from the darkness with a package.

"Here, b-b-b-b-boy. This, this-s-s-s is f-f-f-for yo-, you."

Gideon reached out and grabbed the package. Upon opening it, he found a key. Engraved upon it was, "Waarom, Schat, Waarom". Nervously, Gideon took the key and placed it in his pocket.

"Th-th-th-th-that key will, will open-n-n-n-n any, any one door in this cav-v-ve. Choo-oo-oo-oose carefully, boy."

Looking around, Gideon realized that he was in a different room of the cave than he usually inhabited. This room was filled with doors! Behind some, Gideon could hear strange noises. Behind others, he could have sworn he felt something pounding against them. There was one door under which a light shown out. Surely this was an exit!

"Sir goblin," began Gideon, "may I stay past the door forever? The door that I open that is."

"Why, cer-r-r-r-rtainly, boy. You, you may st-st-st-st-stay there as long as-s-s you wish."

Gideon raced to the door, slid the key in, turned it and flew through the door and right into the cave wall. He fell hard to the ground, and heard a wheezing cackle from behind him.

"Did... did you th-th-th-think that, that I.... that I.... would-d-d-d let you leave? Hahahaha!"

The Black Goblin left the room, and as he did, all the doors opened, each revealing a cave wall. Anything that was behind those doors vanished. Gideon lay there, trying to understand what had just happened. That night, he slept in that room, listening to the awful laughter of the goblin echoing through the cave.

the unshakeable tenacity of the black goblin

Gideon ran as far as he could from the moonlit cave. He could hear the scampering of the Black Goblin behind him, hear his calls.

"You... you cannot es-s-s-cape me, ch-ch-ch-child! Come back, boy! C-c-come hither!"

Gideon knew better, and ran all the way to town. He found safety in the home of a lovely girl, whom he had befriended. He stayed there for a long time.

One night however, years later, Gideon awoke to hear a familiar, slimy voice. He walked downstairs, to see the girl inviting the Black Goblin into his home!

"Th-th-th-thank you for your hos-s-s-spitality... girl. You're t-t-too... too kind. Oh, hello, Gideon."

"Gideon, do you know him? He's awful kind. Why didn't you tell me you were acquaintances?"

Gideon didn't know what to do. He knew what the goblin was here for. He wanted to torment the poor girl, and then him. Gideon remembered back, back to the night he ran...

"How did you es-s-s-scape your... your cage?!"

"It was rather difficult, but I had the proper motivation."

"I will retur-r-r-r-rn you... at, at once. It isn't safe outside y-y-y-your cage..."

"NO!"

Gideon grabbed the nearest object, a jagged stone, and thrust it into the leg of the goblin, and ran. Ran out of the cave and to the home of the lovely stranger.

Gideon walked back downstairs and found that the girl was getting along rather well with the goblin. And there, around his neck, was the stone. And he thought to himself, what if I can't escape? Am I running for nothing? What if I can enjoy the company of the goblin? What if he's tenacious for a reason? Why else would he have come back?

Gideon stood in the doorway, too uncertain to move. He listened to the conversation from a distance. He didn't enter, but he didn't dare leave. Just waited, waited for one side or another to take sway over him.

i have discovered a new talent:

i have the ability to nap whilst being awake. i did it just now, and i yawned, and i stretched, and i feel energized. i did it while watching youtube videos. i thought i'd share that.

just do it

it's a new experience for me, but one i'm adjusting to. i'm too busy doing it to decide whether i like it or not, but i'm even still to busy to even realize that i'm probably enjoying it.

lyrically challenged

i'm really making an effort to write lyrics. the problem is that i suck at it. they always sound like a thirteen year old trying to be intellectual, when he has no basis for his reasonings and therefore, doesn't quite make sense.

i wrote a song, but it's terribly depressing/sick, and i really don't know how i feel about it. i mean, the words don't sound cheesy, and they get the point across, which is a victory for me. the problem is that it's a 'lullaby' about a girl who has a kid out of wedlock and discards of it by throwing it in the trash, and i'm really not happy about that. i mean, the one song that is sound, and it's about this; just my luck. lol

i've been reading the lyrics to 'thru the eyes of ruby' by the smashing pumpkins. it really is a marvelous song.

"breathing underwater and living under glass"

that's got to be my favorite line from the song, which is about young love and how you shouldn't rush into things like marriage because you'll get there and realize you're miserable.

i'm still working on stuff, but it's an upward battle for me, and the opposition has archers.

grammar II

the adverb 'as':

"I'm running as fast as I can."

"We'll work as best we can."

the first one is, obviously, correct. the second example is in question. is this the result of poorly spoken english, or is it grammatically acceptable? i tend to think it's the former, but it's always good to have verification.

grammar I

this one's more or less directed at jackie, but it's really for debate. the use of the word 'that'.

sample statements:

"I know we're going to succeed."

"I know that we're going to succeed."

usually, i end up just omitting 'that', due to what i feel is redundancy. is it wrong to omit the relative pronoun, or is it truly necessary?

black hole

are there truly some things that one cannot escape from? is life a series circuit, that when one transducer becomes inactive, the entire contraption ceases to function? can one destroy, defeat, knock down and barricade one's opponent, and run far far away and hide from it, only to march back to it without realizing?

is it valid to say that i am no better off than i was years ago, without a means? without a cause? without a purpose?

who am i?

there are certain times of the day when i feel like i'm over. that's it, turn in and start again tomorrow. it's almost a sense of reverse nostalgia, longing for the future. but it's not the asme, because, who can see the future? who dares to know what is yet to be? who dares to guess, with any unwavering degree of certainty?

i am unchanging, and it is my own doing. i, after all, do not wish to be lost again, caught with my pants down and eggs on my face. this will be my fate. i need no omen to tell me.

i dream for a future that will never come, for i am stuck in perpetual today. today never ends, for better or worse.

and how ironic it is, that i sit here at the edge of my bed, daring to predict my future, while knowing that it cannot be known. the future is never known. it is merely speculated. in fact, it's all imagination. yesterday has passed, and the past is no more than a thought. our lives are an instant, ever changing, ever growing, but ever small. a moment is all that can exist at one point. the past is memory, and the future does not exist.

so, who am i? am i a thing? am i capable of love? should i stop breathing until i can travel through these moments to find the one i really like? or, should i continue to speed through them and watch helplessly as the blur by? for now, the vehicle i'm in only knows one speed. i shall do this for now.

what if though, what if? what if it were only as easy as just once? just, everything, only once? wouldn't it be remarkable?

samskritam

i've been teaching myself sanskrit. it's pretty sweet. i can't speak a word of it, but in a few weeks, i hope to be able to fluently pronounce words on the spot; from that point, i'll be able to translate and hopefully build a rudimentary understanding of the language.

pulse

i am overcome with emotions. i put on karn evil 9 by emerson lake and palmer, and i just fell into a trance. i was listening to it by myself, just jamming, and i'm elated. euphoric. on top of the word. breathing life in. i feel... i don't know what it is. i felt this a few weeks ago, and i thought it was me passing a phase in my life. this doesn't make sense. it's as though i'm seeing God. it's the sense that everything is so simple. it's feeling like i'm alone and if i wanted, the whole world would be here. i nearly cried of joy. i laughed. i'm so.... i can't explain it really. i'm breathing pure life essence. i'm high on something. is it the song, or something more that i can't pick up yet? it's amazing.

jazz harmony

i just want to say how much i love this class. it's all the chords and stuff that i love to do.

i wrote a piece the other day using all this big, schmaltzy jazz chords and i gave it to my professor today to look over it. after i handed it to him, i realized that i had suddenly become shaky. i guess i had a reason to be nervous; he's a monster jazz musician. i kind of want him to e-mail me with his reaction, but i'll probably wind up talking to him on wednesday when we have class again. what i'd really like to do is take private jazz theory lessons with him. i think at the end of the semester, i'll ask him about it and see what he says.

otherwise, my classes are going excellently. i can boast (again, but it's worth boasting about) that i'm bauer-free this semester, and i hope to maintain this trend until i graduate. (not likely, but i can dream, can't i?) my electronics class is boring, but it'll be an easy A as long as i do well on the tests. musicianship is a breeze, chorus and guitar ensemble are easy enough and keyboard musicianship, i still have no idea what i'm doing for that class. i'll find out tomorrow as well i suppose.

good luck: paradox?

it sucks when you're in a mess and then by some good luck, things manage to work themselves out. it's even worse when it happens multiple times. i sound crazy. but, i don't. if you get used to it, one day, you're not going to get lucky and shit's going to hit the fan.

my whole procrastination problem which encompassed two separate issues seems to have resolved. i mean, i am hoping for the best, and i'm glad i don't have to deal with fallout, but at the same time, it's uncomfortable knowing that next time, i may not be so lucky.

deep zen breathing and incense

i'm just going to do it. i'm going to have to ignore the staring faces, the one who put me up to this task. all of them. i'm going to have to forge on, knowing that i'm missing half of the materials needed to complete this. knowing full well that i don't have the experience to complete this well enough. i'm going to have to do this my way, even though i'm not supposed to. but in times like this, it's the only way i can. it's the only way i know how.

i laughed about this a little bit

on this site, when you have to type in the random word to prove that you're not a spamming program, i almost always get (and by almost always, i mean that only once it didn't happen) a pronounceable word. for example, i juts got 'milyplat' on jackie's. i've gotten a few other interesting ones in the past, but i forget to write them down. i don't knw if anyone else noticed or tried to read them, but i found it kind of interesting and somewhat humorous.

i just got 'trizzle'. i lol'd; it made me feel like blogger was trying to be ghetto for some reason.

the downside of procrastintion

you're left doing all your shit at the last minute. like trying to juggle you're three clashing schedules, and knowing full well that one is on a crash course for another unless you manage to pass it off to someone else.

networking is a fantastic tool, but it is not a god. it must be utilized in a timely fashion if maximum effectiveness is to be achieved.

and i have to wake up in six and a half hours to juggle some more. jOY. with a capital OY. as in oy vey iz mir.

with any luck, this'll all clear up within the next few days. it's really probably not as bad as i make it seem. i just get paranoid that i'm going to look extremely irresponsible (which i am to a degree if i'm procrastinating) and that people are going to give me a terrible reputation because of it (which i know sounds ridiculous; i just have to convince myself that it's how it works and adjust to it).

YEAH!!!

today, i was spontaneously invited to hang out with my friend katie. i really didn't want to go, but i was like, okay, i'll go. she really wanted to see yes man, and i was hungry, so we went to bk and then to the movies. it wasn't really a great movie, though there were a few funny bits. after the movie, i found myself in a very talkative mood, so the whole ride home (she didn't have her car), i basically rambled on about nothing. after i dropped her off, i went home, and along the way, i realized that i was in the same mood i get in when i'm drunk. i was talkative, spontaneous (i almost kicked a door open at the theater but restrained myself), and if invited, i probably would have gone dancing. i was just in an all around... good mood. and i asked myself, how? how am i so different now? why am i not like this all the time? and i came to the realization that i'm usually alone, thinking. pondering. considering. speculating. inventing nothing useful, but just using up creative energies on pure entertainment.

why am i like this? how did i start down this path?

THE FAÇADE.

i shattered it. as i was driving down my block listening to the end of celluloid heroes by the kinks, i realized this, and i burst into uproarious laughter. i was just... i can't think of the word. it was happy, but not just. free, i suppose. i was breathing clean air. and i couldn't help but be in a more open mood.

i hope this lasts. i enjoy it immensely, and i'm going to do my best to put the past in the past. i say that a lot, and i say that i mean it a lot, and i don't know how else to prove it to myself. but i really want this. i really need this if i'm ever going to move anywhere.

YEAH is the only noise i can make that does any justice to how i feel. but you've got to scream it. you've got to go to the biggest room you can find, the biggest park at the highest point, the top of a fucking mountain and just scream it. breathe in all the air on the planet to get everyone's attention, and scream it all back out in the grandest display of vocals you can provide. all at once. YEAH!!!!

ugh it feels amazing. it's fucking love is what it is. it's realizing that life is something to love. it's past the world of people, because that's just pretend. i understand now what people mean when they say they're touched by God. they feel this sensation and say, "How can anything besides God be responsible for this?" it truly would be remarkable if there were words to do it justice. for now, love will have to suffice.

i am not:

a big weenie.

a quitter.

a non-achiever.

a scaredy-poop.

an imagination.

i am going to try.

at least, right now i am.

i'm going to try to try, because something tells me, even though i fight it often, and i have for years, that i need to succeed.

i must succeed, else i continuously nag myself.

i have a target in the line of sight; it just won't go down. i must keep firing. 

fire. fire. fire.

FIRE.

once you lose all hope, all hope is lost.

good good good: part deux

http://juststopandthink.com/movieextras_movielg.phphttp://juststop

moral good. societal good? sort of? kind of. not entirely, but there's a relationship.

please mind his annoying voice and the repetitive music.

good good good

jeremy and i had a conversation this morning (by that i mean around 3:30 this morning), and the question arose of how good and evil can be defined as applied to whether humans are inherently good or evil. this led to him asking, "would you agree or disagree that 'good' for the society has anything to do with 'moral good'?" my statement was that they are cousins of each other. moral good is defined by ones opinions, and usually, a large portion is taken from religious dogmas and doctrines. for example, a modern christian would typically be disturbed witnessing a human sacrifice, because "Thou Shalt Not Kill" is one of the ten commandments. God said it Himself: "Don't Do That." however, to the native americans who needed rain, it was a pretty good idea, and a honor to be chosen. morally, killing in that sense was a very good thing. societal good is what is deemed necessary for the group as a whole. this is where we get the modern general idea of good and evil.

for example, crime is looked upon as bad. why? because it is self-beneficial. the society cannot be aided by thievery. but, look at the man who jumped in front of a bus pushing a woman out of the way. that man was stupid. someone was going to get hit, and he went against his base instincts and got himself killed. fool, right? nope. this man was a hero, for his self-sacrifice.

humans honor altruism and abhor vanity. this is what defines societal good and evil. look out our villians; they are almost always greedy or vain or egotistical. our heroes are often found to be selfless, generous and modest. this is what aids society most, despite our individual, moral goods and evils. 

this was about where we left off, as bed called us to go to sleep (well, him really, but i wound up going myself). so, it's open to discussion.

bauerbutt fuckmouth

gave me a c+ in counterpoint.

WTF.

all because i didn't do his fucking online shits that hardly anyone did and i didn't keep track of my own attendance. THAT'S YOUR JOB DIPSHIT! YOU GET PAID MONEY TO DO THAT! MONEY YOU DON'T DESERVE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING LAZY ASS WHO MAKES UP SHIT ON THE SPOT YOU BACTERIAL INFECTION!

ugh.

i hate that man.

i apologize. what i meant to say was, i hate that mephistophelean hellspawn who couldn't teach a calculator how to add.

fucking dipshit.

i mean, i couldn't get a b-? no, i had to get a c+. and he did it on purpose because he doesn't like me because i don't agree with his fucking philosophies. because when he finds a piece of music to be sad, i find it to be meditative. because i feel that everyone can derive something different. because i find it plausible (even though it's not my personal opinion) that someone can think of disco dancing when they hear the moonlight sonata. BAUER YOU'RE A DICKWEED.

i don't even know what a dickweed is, but it doesn't sound nice, so it works.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH

otherwise, i got a b+ in music tech, and incomplete in piano (because i didn't let my prof experience the "miracle of music" so i'm retaking it next semester) and an a's in the rest.

just. fucking. bauerassmouthneedsapineappleuphisasssowhenhesitsdownheknowshowifeelwheniminhisfuckingclass.